and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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