I am in a vortex of obligation.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
there is glitter all over my balls
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