I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!