Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.