i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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