Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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