Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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