At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
home. puking in laundry basket.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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