I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
