I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
