so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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