More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
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My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties