Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.