we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?