well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
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she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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