im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
