Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
