allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
