She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just gargled with NyQuil
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
