Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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