Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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