The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know