between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!