so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.