My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
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For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.