It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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