Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
nutella sex= disaster
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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