How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
