If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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