i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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