I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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