We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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