im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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