he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
