one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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