the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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