I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
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i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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