Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.