I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.