So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties