the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
