I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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