that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize