can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
