Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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