Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
