I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
