you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sponge bath it is.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
