So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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