I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
