i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
