sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
