My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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