Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize