I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
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Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Randomize