is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.