is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You have to summon your inner elephant
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
