you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
